Jan 7, 2008

chuckabee



Hey kids... you may be aware that once upon a time this blog was called "Mr. Pulsipher goes to Washington." It was supposed to be an autobiographical sojourn through the mean streets of Washington D.C.  At that time, my desire to live/work in DC  coincided with my personal interest in politics, and my blog reflected that. After a while however, I noticed that I didn't particularly like the direction my blog was going. For several reasons.

1. Picking on the Bush Administration was like "shooting fish in a barrel." I got winded in the early rounds, much like Apollo Creed beating up a lifeless Rocky Balboa.
2. My critiques & rants were not particularly well crafted nor insightful. Just typical angry democrat platitudes. It made for really uninteresting reading.
3. I wanted to give people something enjoyable to read. Reading angry political blogging is like reading a sixth grader's journal penned in pig-latin. I get it, but I want my 6 minutes back.

That being said, I'm about to tip toe near those waters again. I'm sorry, but seeing freaking Chuck Norris with his smug grin behind Mike Huckabee after his "victory" in Iowa made my blood boil.

By and large, celebrity endorsements are pretty anemic. Yet... I do think it speaks to who the candidate is trying to attract. After all, if you felt an endorsement were a liability, you wouldn't go around telling people about it.

It has been a wild and crazy celebrity endorsement season. Larry Flynt, the founder of the Hustler Empire endorsed Dennis Kucinich. Oprah endorsed Obama. Chuck Norris endorses Huckabee.

This begs several questions. What the hell does Chuck Norris know about politics. Two, who looks to Chuck Norris as a political sensei? Oprah - with her seemingly limitless sphere of influence makes sense as an endorsement.  It has been argued that even the Flynt endorsement is supposed to have 1st amendment implications (big stretch).

What does Chuck Norris add to your campaign? Credibility to to those with a penchant for martial arts. Also, those who like Texas Rangers. No, not the baseball team - an elite branch of the lone star state's justice system - memorialized on Norri's hit (or something else that rhymes with hit) show "Walker, Texas Ranger."

Three years ago (or so) there was a lengthy list of Chuck Norris attributes that spread originally through chain email, and was posted everywhere. Somewhere along the line it went from laughing AT Chuck Norris, to laughing WITH Chuck Norris. The guy is a has-been (or maybe, "was-he-ever"?) and holds as much celebrity clout as Rowdy Roddy Piper. I'm embarrassed for him, and for Mike Huckabee.

Now that I've got that out of my system... I think this begs an imperative question. Who are the top people you'd want to endorse your political campaign, and who are the last people you'd want an endorsement from.

I'll suggest a few, and wait for your brilliance on the matter. Living or Dead, does not matter.

Endorsements - Yes Please!
The Google Guys - let's face it, they've got the midas touch.  plus, with every google search my page would be at the top.  
Oprah - I think that every house with a TV on at 3pm has Oprah on it.
John Elway - the man is a Legend. If I were running in Colorado I'd secure 97% of the vote on his endorsement alone.
Louie Anderson - fat comedian with a nasal voice stretches the bounds of the comedy genre.  It takes a big man to put your name on the line in the pursuit of "kitsch" comedy.  I am that man.

Endorsements - No Thanks!
Chuck Norris - it says "I have bad taste in tv and film, and am an otherwise sloppy person"
George W. Bush - political suicide

Sinbad - you have to draw the line with comedian endorsements somewhere.


20 comments:

Disco Mom said...

Sinbad, hilarious. I suggest drawing the comedian endorsement line far before coming to Sinbad.

YES, Endorse Me!
Oprah and the Google guys, yes of course - good ones!
Matt Damon
Clint Eastwood
BNL (even though, yes, I know they're Canadian)
Will Smith
Anderson Cooper, any evening news anchor, Matt Lauer or Conan

NO Thanks!
Monica Lewinsky
Hulk Hogan
Donald Trump
Simon from Idol
Michael Jackson
Tom Cruise
PeeWee Herman
Anna Nicole
Christopher Walkin and John Malkovich - talented in their own spheres but just CREEPY
Any Baldwin brother
Regis & Kelly

Ryan said...

Yes, please endorse me:

Stan Humpries
Bobby Ross
Leslie O'Neal
Natrone Means
Alfred Pupunu
Stanley "The Sheriff" Richard
Louie, as my Running Mate. I need a guy that can smooth things over with the press corp after I screw up and that man is Louie Anderson!

No, thanks:
Dan Reeves
Jack or John Elway
Any of the "Amigo's"
Barrel Man
Jason "freaking" Elam

About Chuck Norris, I'm completely with you Dave. It's embarrassing is what it is.

Disco Mom said...

And is that Debbie Harris between them? Another "if it doesn't hurt you it definitely doesn't help you" choice.

Disco Mom said...

dp -
have you seen this commercial? what the hell? I honestly can't tell if it's supposed to be a joke or not.

david said...

kari, i actually thought about putting peewee on my list too... but i couldn't slight him for his moral slip ups. i mean, pee wee's big adventure is so amazing, he deserves our respect.

that huckabee norris commercial is despicable. and that is no joke. huckabee is trying to be cool, young and hip... forget about it.

who are you and ed interested in?

david said...

who is debbie harris?

Blythe said...

Well, I was going to vote for Obama, but now that Chuck Norris has endorsed Huckabee...

I want endorsements from:

Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thomas Jefferson
Emma Willard (anyone who has heard of her gets a gold star)
Barbara Boxer
Jesus

Thanks but no thanks:

Britney Spears
The Rock
Dick Cheney
Hitler
Judas Iscariot

david said...

Blythe,

i want the rock's endorsement, big time.
especially if he's as liberal as i think he is.

also, i'd like benedict arnold's endorsement

Blythe said...

"Four out of five traitors prefer David!"

Disco Mom said...

Debbie Harris is otherwise known as Blondie, big has-been rocker. The music has her place, I'll grant you, but she does not come to mind at all in the political endorser genre.

Ahem, good call on Jesus, Blythe, and Hitler on the other side.

david said...

ahh.. yes, i knew that. i just wasn't thinking blondie for some reason.

i hope that it isn't her endorsing chuckabee, or my heart will be broken, like a "heart of glass."

Dawn D. Lion said...

I'll take endorsements form Kanye West, and the guy who made "Knocked Up."
That should be enough for the youth vote.
For older gen-Xers/baby boomers, I'll take Bruce Springsteen. I want him to sing "Born to Run" for my ad.
For the elders, lets see. I guess that cranky old guy that talks at the end of 60 Minutes.
That should do it!

Dawn D. Lion said...

Also, I have a "six degrees of Chuck Norris" story. My friend Michael's dad worked in film when he was growing up, and I guess through that, this and that minor celebrity might come through their house every now and then. So when he was 10, Chuck Norris was at their house. And apparently, Chuck Norris was really nice, and patiently let my friend show him all his comic books, etc, giving him attention, and didn't just blow him off for being some dumb kid. So there you go.

david said...

so, i guess that means we should listen to his endorsement, right?

;)

Anonymous said...

At the risk of being "that guy," the singer of Blondie is Deborah "Debbie" Harry, not Harris. But good eyes to ID her!

david said...

aha!!... i knew that didn't sound right.

thanks anonymous poster! why not come clean and step forward to accept your praise?

MF said...

David, you must not have heard about Chun Kuk Do. Take a look at the wikipedia entry on it, then you may reconsider your notion of not having Chuck Norris (or Delta Force) backing you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chun_Kuk_Do

david said...

Chun Kuk Do includes a code of ethics and rules to live by:

1. I will develop myself to the maximum of my potential in all ways.
2. I will forget the mistakes of the past and press on to greater achievements.
3. I will always be in a positive frame of mind and convey this feeling to every person that I meet.
4. I will continually work at developing love, happiness and loyalty in my family and acknowledge that no other success can compensate for failure in the home.
5. I will look for the good in all people and make them feel worthwhile.
6. If I have nothing good to say about a person, I will say nothing.
7. I will give so much time to the improvement of myself that I will have no time to criticize others.
8. I will always be as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
9. I will maintain an attitude of open-mindedness toward another person's viewpoint while still holding fast to that which I know to be true and honest.
10. I will maintain respect for those in authority and demonstrate this respect at all times.
11. I will always remain loyal to God, my country, family and my friends.
12. I will remain highly goal-oriented throughout my life because that positive attitude helps my family, my country, and myself.


sounds like "life's little instruction book" has a plagiarism suit on its hands

kat said...

This is now a little old news for your blog, but riding home tonight I heard a funny bit on NPR. They were doing a segment on the caucases tomorrow in South Carolina, and quoted a woman who said (approximately) the following about Huckabee: Good looks, the Bible, and Chuck Norris - what else could you want in a President?
She was being totally serious.

Apparently the Chuck Norris contingent is actually out there.

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